my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
