Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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