Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
