You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
