You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
