you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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