The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
