i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He? As in you personified your dick?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
