I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I think people are normalizing furries
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
