one two three fourrrrnication!
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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