My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
