If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
