Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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