Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
