I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
