I will die if light touches me.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
