You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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