Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
