Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
