He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
