Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
