I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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