just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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