woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
