She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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