I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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