If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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