Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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