i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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