remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
