I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
