I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
