you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
