Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
