don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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