Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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