Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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