I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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