I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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