I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
