chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
