I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
