The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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