My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
