your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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