WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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