im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
