dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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