i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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