just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
