im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
